The Praise Engine: Early Childhood
“Children are not things to be molded, but people to be unfolded.” — Jess Lair
The Architecture of a Compliment
Most of us are praise-illiterate. When we try to be nice, we usually default to generic “fluff”:
- “Good job.”
- “You’re amazing.”
These are Level 1 praises. They are “Liquidity”—easy to spend, but they hold no long-term value. To become a Source of Abundance for your children, you need to upgrade your currency. You need to mint Gold Bars.
In the early years (ages 0-7), you are literally coding the child’s operating system. Here is the code.
1. Routine: Cleaning Up
Level 1 (Task) - generic “Good job putting the blocks away.”
Level 2 (Process) - The Method “You put all the red blocks in the red bin. Smart sorting!” “You turned cleaning into a game to make it go faster.”
Level 3 (Self-Regulation) - The Discipline “I saw you wanted to keep playing, but you stopped yourself and cleaned up.” “Even though you were tired, you pushed through to finish the job.”
Level 4 (Identity) - The Virtue “You are a responsible member of this family.” “You are a person who takes care of their environment.”
2. Social: Sharing
Level 1 (Task) “Nice sharing.”
Level 2 (Process) “You saw he was sad, so you offered him a toy. That came from your empathy.” “You set a timer so everyone got equal time. That was fair.”
Level 3 (Self-Regulation) “It’s hard to give up a toy you love, but you managed your big feelings to be kind.” “You felt possessive, but you chose generosity.”
Level 4 (Identity) “You are a generous soul.” “You care more about people than things.”
3. Creative: Artwork
Level 1 (Task) “Beautiful picture!”
Level 2 (Process) “Look at how you mixed blue and yellow to make that green.” “You filled the whole page with color, you didn’t leave any white spots.”
Level 3 (Self-Regulation) “You sat there for twenty minutes working on this without getting up once.” “You made a mistake with the line, but you turned it into a bird instead of crumpling the paper.”
Level 4 (Identity) “You are an artist.” “You have a unique way of seeing the world.”
4. Resilience: Trying Again
Level 1 (Task) “You did it!”
Level 2 (Process) “When the tower fell, you built a wider base so it would be more stable.” “You tried three different ways until it worked.”
Level 3 (Self-Regulation) “You took a deep breath when it crashed instead of throwing the blocks.” “You managed your frustration perfectly.”
Level 4 (Identity) “You are persistent. You don’t give up.” “You are a problem solver.”
5. Eating: Trying New Food
Level 1 (Task) “Good job eating broccoli.”
Level 2 (Process) “You smelled it, licked it, and then tasted it. Good safe strategy.” “You mixed it with the rice you like to make it easier.”
Level 3 (Self-Regulation) “You were nervous about the texture, but you were brave enough to try.” “You overcame your fear of the new.”
Level 4 (Identity) “You are an adventurous eater.” “You are open-minded to new experiences.”
6. Honesty: Admitting a Mistake
Level 1 (Task) “Thanks for telling me.”
Level 2 (Process) “You came to me immediately before trying to hide it.” “You offered a way to fix it right away.”
Level 3 (Self-Regulation) “I know you were scared I would be mad, but you told the truth anyway.” “You conquered the urge to lie.”
Level 4 (Identity) “You are a trustworthy person.” “Truth is a core value, and you showed it today.”
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